Monday, April 25, 2011

What do you REALLY want...

Let's try this again, somehow I deleted the entire contents of my post before publishing. Dang it!!!

About a month ago I discovered that my BF has no legal claim to his own daughter. His name is not on her birth certificate, there is no custody agreement, just basically a nod and a hand shake is what allows him to have anything to do with his own flesh and blood. When I found this out, I nearly choked on my own tongue, especially when I realized that he didn't see a problem with it.

I knew that he was never married to his daughter's mother and when his daughter was born, they were estranged. Shortly after her birth, he managed to figure out a way to get to be a part of his daughter's life. I commend him on taking that step and choosing to be a part of her life, but why did he stop there?

The reason I found out about the lack of custody, etc. is that the situation in her mother's home has gone from bad to worse. She is basically parenting herself. Evidently I am the only one that sees a problem with this. Once I found out what was going on and that he wasn't going to do anything about it, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I had to say something so I told him basically how disappointed I was that he didn't feel like there was a problem.

After our discussion, he told me he got the ball rolling toward getting his name on his daughter's birth certificate. He did some research, found out some information, but then basically stopped. He said he had left messages with the Attorney General's office to find out where the local office was to get a form he needed and nobody was returning his call. Red flag...

Every time I have followed up with him about this form, same answer. Being who I am, I went on-line and in less than 5 minutes with my old pal Google had all of the information he needed. Now, the red flag is waving wildly.

Then the realization hit me. The BF is a part time kind of guy. Part time dad, part time boyfriend, part time buddy to the guys. The only thing he does full time is his job. Am I okay with that? Do I want to be a part time girlfriend? What would I do with more than what we have now?

All food for thought. Stay tuned for future posts on how I solve this dilemma...

(Sorry, had to add that for the dramatic effect)


  1. Interesting that you're seeing these red flags NOW rather than in hind sight. In hind sight , for me anyway, those red flags were more like giant red billboards, but I never saw them while I was "in it".

    Listen to your gut... it will always be right.

  2. Neither of us can fathom not having a parenting plan legally in place, so why would you have even thought to ask about that. It is quite a bit to think about as you move forward with the relationship. The best unsolicited advice I can give you is to really talk this out with him, and make your needs and concerns a priority...Asking for a guy to follow thru on big life issues is never too much.