Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Loss of control...

I know it has been a really long time since I have posted on my blog.  Honestly, I visit the blogging world almost daily and everyone has such fun stuff to say that I soak that in and get my therapy from there.  Blogging for me is about a reality check, sanity saver, proof that I am not alone in this crazy, messed up world.  At this time, I am not finding that balance so I feel the need to post.

I tell myself that I have nothing to complain about.  I am one of the lucky ones.  I have a great husband, fantastic kids for the most part and a pretty normal life.  I go to work each day, shuttle kids around to their activities, care for my family and my pets.  It is the normal rat race that we all face. Why then do I struggle each day to feel normal?  To feel like I am in control of my own life?

The biggest thing I seem to worry about these days is my life getting away from me.  I can't seem to keep my arms around everything.  Loss of control has always been a big thing for me.  It is like a small tornado that gathers speed and starts to whirl faster and faster until I have to do something to make it stop.  The damage that it does is mostly internal, but sometimes my loved ones are hit by the shrapnel.

One of the biggest ways that I attempt to control my life often has me defending myself.  I am often ridiculed about keeping my house too clean.  This is not a joyful thing for me. I don't do this to make myself seem better than anyone else.  This is purely trying to control my inner tornado.  If the house is not clean, there is clutter.  The clutter breeds and makes more and more piles of junk and then soon I feel like the walls are closing in and the ceiling will collapse on me. Even thinking about this while I type makes my chest feel tight.  It's a lot like being claustrophobic.  Does this make me crazy?

I have tried to break my struggle into daily things rather than worrying about what will come tomorrow.  Unfortunately, the monotony of every day has added to the struggle rather than detracted from it.  I feel like every day is the same.  Like the movie Groundhogs Day. It all seems so senseless.  Why does any of the stuff we do each day even matter?  Make the bed each morning, unmake the bed each night, lather, rinse, repeat.  Every meal, every task done again and again and again. Unfortunately not doing these things is not an option I have been able to live with thus far.  I struggle to leave the house with an unmade bed in it.

I love my daughter more than my life.  I love all of the zany, crazy things she does.  I love her creativity and her ability to see things and put them together as art where all I saw was junk.  She is my complete opposite in so many ways.  She loves to have all of her things out where she can see them, so when she is busy creating she doesn't have to stop to take something out.  It is already there for use.  This makes me absolutely crazy.  I have tried to reorganize her room, buy storage furniture, cubbies, bookshelves, keep the mess contained, but it doesn't work.  The cubbies sit empty while her desk, her dresser and her floor are full of all of the things she needs to see around her.  I try so very hard to turn a blind eye to her creative castle, but sometimes I lose and find myself in the dungeon of doom. Get out of the way because the Flying Monkeys have been turned loose.

I have pondered the ways in which I can climb back up the mountain of sanity, but I often end back up in that place near the bottom, next to the quicksand. The rest of my family goes about their business blissfully unaware of my plight.  Only when they hear the sirens do they duck for cover.  There has to be a point of balance somewhere in there. 

In attempt to find that balance, I am putting this out in the universe to see what happens and to take ownership of my crazy. I am the one with the issue.  I own it.  They don't understand my issue because it has never happened to them.  I can't be resentful and angry with them because they don't understand what it is like to be me.  They are just living their lives and they aren't trying to punish me. Any lack of effort on their part is not a deliberate attempt to hurt me.  I will focus on how I can change myself and not on how I can change them to conform to my issues. 

P.S. - I started this blog as a whine session about how everyone else causes my issues to be greater and after reading and editing several times, I realized that they aren't to blame for my issues.  While not 100% what I was going for, it is the truth. Dang it...