I cringe as I write this but I finally did it. I posted my fur babies on Petfinder for a new home. I can't do it anymore. I can't come home to a house that has been marked all over with no hope of teaching them otherwise and I can't continue to pay vet bills, grooming bills and food bills on my credit cards. I feel like a Schmuck with a capital S. I am the person my Mother warned me about. Getting in over my head feeling like I can take the weight of the world on my shoulders all by myself. Innocent animals and children alike will be the ones that suffer for my stupidity.
I should feel relieved that I finally got the ball rolling, but I still feel like the meanest person in the world. For anyone who knows me, you know I would do anything to help just about anyone that needs help. Why is it then that I find it so hard to ask for help for myself?
The B-F is turning out not to be as helpful as I had hoped, but I am pretty sure that is my fault because I won't ask him for help and when he does offer his help I have already done whatever it was I needed taken care of.
Why can't I ask for help? What prevents me from reaching out to ANYONE to ask for help? I never judge a person that has asked for my help, why do I feel like my requests will be judged or that it will make me appear to be less in control than I am pretending to be?
Then I think about my home, being a single parent, living out in BFE. Why did I do that? I know I hated my old house and it had to go. That is not in question, but why oh why did I have to move so far away that I have to plan a day trip just to visit friends or go anywhere?
If I had purchased another home closer to my previous home, it would have been much more convenient. Instead I bought the double decker supreme. The big, corner lot. The biggest plan in the mix. Why do I feel like I am responsible for making sure that everyone gets what they want at my expense? How did I think that I was going to be able to single handedly take care of the house, the yard, the kid, the mother, the dogs, the...
Maybe if I had gotten only what we needed for now, I would have had the resources then to put my daughter in the school at my church that she desparately loves. Have I chosen a home over my head and out of my budget therefor jeapordizing my daughter's future? Have I gone crazy? Have I forgotten what is the most important thing in my life?
I look back on my home purchase and realize that I bought my home for what it needed to be for everyone else. Extra room for Mom when she moves in someday. The big game room for my daughter so she would have plenty of room to play. The big yard so that the dogs have plenty of room to be outside. And what do they do? The dogs mark up the house and the daughter drags her stuff downstairs into the living room so she can play where I am.
Today is one of those days that I should have stayed in bed and pulled the covers over my nose. Alas, I cannot hide from the world and I cannot hide from my responsibilities. Things are getting more expensive and the job still pays what it did 4 years ago less my bonus, less my child support. No wonder I don't have any money! I have gotten myself into this mess and now I have to figure out what to do to get myself out of this mess.
Today I pray, Lord help me to accept help from others, help me to remember it is not me against the world alone, help me to remember that I have friends and family here to help me with at the very least a shoulder to cry on. Amen!