Being Thankful...

Every now and then, I have to kick myself in the rear and remind myself to be thankful instead of whining.

I am thankful for: My sweet daughter that gives me extra hugs when I drop her off at school instead of pretending she doesn't know me

I am thankful for: My job of almost 20 years and working for a boss that gets me

I am thankful for: My home, even though it is way bigger than I will ever need it to be, it is my solace and welcomes me every time I walk through the front door

I am thankful for: My health, I might be getting onto middle age but I can still shake my groove thang with the best of them

I am thankful for: My God that constantly tells me how much He loves me and gently reminds me to be thankful for that love

The Queen of Indecisive...

I have decided that for such an opioninated person, I have a horrible time making up my mind. To the point of allowing my five year old decide what we are having for dinner on a regular basis. Why can't I ever decide what I want?

I think about stuff, I comparison shop, I research, I check everything from all angles. In the end, I empty my cart and walk away from the decision. I repeat this process until I finally make a decision, hit Purchase, then spend the next few hours trying to decided if I should cancel the order or go with it.

Over the years, I have done better with making purchases after only 2 or 3 trips to the store (online or in person), but I can never walk into a store without any previous research and just buy something. I even review my grocery list before I start shopping at the grocery store to make sure I really need everything on that list and do I know which kind I am getting, etc...

How do I manage to feed and clothe myself on a consistent basis? LOL!

What do you REALLY want...

Let's try this again, somehow I deleted the entire contents of my post before publishing. Dang it!!!

About a month ago I discovered that my BF has no legal claim to his own daughter. His name is not on her birth certificate, there is no custody agreement, just basically a nod and a hand shake is what allows him to have anything to do with his own flesh and blood. When I found this out, I nearly choked on my own tongue, especially when I realized that he didn't see a problem with it.

I knew that he was never married to his daughter's mother and when his daughter was born, they were estranged. Shortly after her birth, he managed to figure out a way to get to be a part of his daughter's life. I commend him on taking that step and choosing to be a part of her life, but why did he stop there?

The reason I found out about the lack of custody, etc. is that the situation in her mother's home has gone from bad to worse. She is basically parenting herself. Evidently I am the only one that sees a problem with this. Once I found out what was going on and that he wasn't going to do anything about it, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I had to say something so I told him basically how disappointed I was that he didn't feel like there was a problem.

After our discussion, he told me he got the ball rolling toward getting his name on his daughter's birth certificate. He did some research, found out some information, but then basically stopped. He said he had left messages with the Attorney General's office to find out where the local office was to get a form he needed and nobody was returning his call. Red flag...

Every time I have followed up with him about this form, same answer. Being who I am, I went on-line and in less than 5 minutes with my old pal Google had all of the information he needed. Now, the red flag is waving wildly.

Then the realization hit me. The BF is a part time kind of guy. Part time dad, part time boyfriend, part time buddy to the guys. The only thing he does full time is his job. Am I okay with that? Do I want to be a part time girlfriend? What would I do with more than what we have now?

All food for thought. Stay tuned for future posts on how I solve this dilemma...

(Sorry, had to add that for the dramatic effect)

Jelly bean let down...

I was all psyched out for Sunday morning and the end of Lent so I could eat Jelly Beans until I was sick.

#1 - Mmmm...I missed you my beautiful beans
#2 - Wow, these things are pretty sweet
#3 - Um, I think I must have purchased the extra sugar kind cause these are getting to me already.
#4 - I can't believe I want to stop already...40+ days of no candy and I don't want any more.
#5 - I really have to stop now or I will be sick
#6 - I give, I give, no more, I can't do it, Medic...

Ugh, I had to walk away after just 6 jelly beans. I tried several times later in the day to up the ante, but after each jelly bean, I had to walk away for at least 30 minutes. Today, I have a 95% full bag of jelly beans. Looks like it will take me to next Easter to eat all of those. Good thing I thought ahead and bought two bags. Blech!

Next I went for the miniature Robin's Eggs, my second favorite. I was able to eat two of those. I am ruined...

Oh what a tangled web we weave...

Why do contractors have to play games with the insurance companies? I am ready to get my house back to normal but have to wait, yet again, to allow my contractor time to get more money out of my insurance company. I understand some of the charges on the quote, but there are a bunch of charges out there that are complete hooey.

The contractor told me they would discount my deductible because I was allowing them to post a sign in my yard with their name on it while they were doing the repairs. What they really meant was that they would get the deductible covered by the insurance company by jacking up the charges. This is why insurance costs have skyrocketed into outer space. If you are going to give me a discount, just give me the damn discount.

I am not interested in insurance fraud. If they don't want to charge the correct amounts, they can keep their damn business and I will go elsewhere. I am not selling my soul for a few silver coins. Just because everybody does it, doesn't make it right.

Hmmmph!!!

On a positive note...

Only three more days until I can put myself into a sugar coma by eating as many jelly beans as I can without throwing up!!

I, will never, ever, give up CANDY for Lent again...

I'm wrong...AGAIN!

After 41 years, you would think that I would have figured out how to have a successful conversation with my Mom. Evidenly not, as I am wrong yet again. One day I am the best daughter ever and the next I am hurtful, mean and inconsiderate. Which is it?

For years I have walked on eggshells. I have tried very hard to be politically correct, always doing what SHE wants me to do and never saying no to her. I have come to realize that this has caused a relationship that is not only dysfunctional, but harmful.

My entire life has been lived trying to ease her emotional suffering. When my parents divorced I was 6 years old, yet I was the one consoling her rather than her consoling me. I was the one picking up the slack and caring for the family while she went out for happy hour after work with her many friends and boyfriends.

I moved out after high school and was told that I abandoned her. Aren't your kids supposed to move out after high school? Isn't this what most parents strive for? Then I did the unthinkable, I got married to a man she didn't approve of. She tried to sabotage my marriage at every opportunity. She even went so far as to call him one day and gripe him out. Did I stick up for him against her? No way. I was too far gone into our codependant relationship to feel like I could go against her. "That's just my Mom, there's nothing that can be done about the way she acts". "Just do nothing and it will go away."

Instead, I should have been indignant. I should have read her the riot act and told her that she was out of place. I pray that one of these days I am strong enough to do just that. For today, I am going to try to remember that I am not responsible for my mother's happiness. I cannot make her happy. I cannot make her unhappy. These emotions are her choice and she can choose to go either way regardless of my actions.

Fashion Frustrations...

I have pretty much decided if you aren't 20-something and underweight your fashion choices today are severely limited. Shoes are too tall, purses are too small, pants are too low and shirts are too skinny. Do designers not realize there are still women out there that have curves?!

I used to love shoe shopping, but now I consider it a lesson in frustration. Who are these women that wear 4" stilletto heels and don't fall down? Add the mini-mini skirt and I am surprised that we don't see a bunch of giants with bare legs running around all over the place. They must have all fallen down and are laying on the floor trying to figure out how to get up without exposing themselves.

Yep, I feel better now... :-D

10K...

The adjustor checked out my house yesterday and their estimate came out just shy of $10K. Ouch! Thank God I have insurance. New roof, new fence, lots of painting, etc... I am really ready to get the work started and everything back to normal. The contractor won't be able to start until next week though. We have too much rain in the forecast. BUMMER!

The good news is I am walking the dog every morning and have lost almost 2 lbs. I know that is a small start but I think I am onto something here. I am more alert when I start getting ready for work and it takes less time. I guess I didn't realize I was stumbling around in the shower so much! The dog seems happier too. He has slimmed down a bit and since Charlie has gone to his new home, we have not had any issues with marking. YEA!! I am still sad that Charlie isn't with us anymore, but my stress level has gone W-A-Y down.

Went to the store last night to get my fixins for Easter lunch and WOW has everything been picked through already. Are we buying our Easter Hams right after Christmas now? Sheesh! I did manage to find a nice, 8lb Paula Dean ham and you know that has to be good. I'll bet that pig was raised on butter. LOL!

Marvelous Monday...

Typically the week starts with more of a Manic Monday. Somehow over the weekend, I have managed to reset my Zen button and am feeling mentally better. I was kid free for most of the weekend and got to sleep in two mornings in a row. Well, 8:00 IS sleeping in for me. I still managed to get a few things done like laundry, ironing, sewing, vacuuming, carpet cleaning and some minor landscaping. All of those tasks required minimal thought about the task at hand so I spent a lot of time reflecting on my life and where I thought it was good and where I thought it was not so good. Sort of a personal inventory.

Somewhere along the way I realized that the goods were way more plentiful than the not so goods and those were trivial at best. I realized that I allow myself to get overwhelmed with the daily tasks which seriously knocks my sense of well being right out the window. If I approach those same tasks with a different mentality, I find that they become more enjoyable and end up in the good pile.

Not sure how long I will remember this latest lesson but I hope for a very long time!!

Fabulous Friday...

The kid is with her dad tonight, her Nonna tomorrow night and then with her dad again on Sunday. I haven't had a weekend off in a very long time. I should be jumping up and down for joy and singing hallelujah, but NO...instead I am thinking about all of the stuff I have left undone that could be done with the lack of junior assistance.

As I have realized the insanity of this thought process, I am officially boycotting all work related activities this weekend. The laundry can go un-laundered, the carpet can go un-vacuumed, the dishes - well let's not get crazy now...

I need to take the weekend for me to relax and enjoy the fun activities that my dear BF has planned for us.

Random Thoughts Thursday...

Ever sit in your car and remember only the good things about an old boyfriend and then blush as if the person in the car next to you knows what you are thinking about?

Why do I tell my daughter to hurry up then make her wait for me when she gets too far ahead?

How is it that I can go until 10:00 or 11:00 on a Saturday without even thinking about food, but on Monday through Friday I wake up starving like I haven't eaten in a week?

Does my car have a sign on the front that says "Sure, come on over, I'll let you in"? (Don't think I am not going to go check that before I leave the office today)

Where does that other sock go during the wash cycle? Better yet, why do I keep it's mate for months hoping it will come back? I literally have a basket of these that belong to my daughter. Her little socks seem to get sucked down the drain during the rinse cycle.

What happened to all of the fabulous new clothes I just bought and why can't I find anything to wear in the morning? I think I have different taste when I shop at the store vs. when I shop in my closet.

Why do children think licking you is funny? I am pretty sure my arm does not taste that good.

Is every minute really 60 seconds? I swear some of them drag on forever and next thing you know, 10 of them have gone by in a flash.

Okay, that's enough for now. I think I have plenty of thoughts to think today...

A Third Opinion...

So yesterday, the perfect contract company did a thorough inspection of my home for damage from the storm: Roof is a total loss, damage to siding, window frames, screens and most of my fence. It is going to cost a bunch.

Neighborhood roofer that is employed by the builder who build my house: Replace two roof vents and a few shingles. $145 for labor if I supply the parts. Me, sitting at my desk wondering how two people can come up with such a drastic difference.

I am waiting on my third opinion, which is the one that counts the most as that opinion will be writing my check - the insurance adjuster.

Finally got a call from my local disaster agent who happens to be located in Ohio. I said where? He said O-hi-oooo like I was a moron. I thought a local person was calling me, but no, Ohio called to tell me I would be getting a call from a local guy in 1-2 days. Process, says he; stall tactic says I!!

Oh well, I have gotten over the worst of the frustration at this point and have restored my sense of wellbeing. I now have an understanding that this was a natural disaster, fault of no specific person and completely out of my control. Nobody else is getting helped any faster than I am so no amount of complaining is going to get me any further along.

The best part of all of this is my remaining dog, Peanut, has not marked or peed in the house once during all of this drama. As my fence is down, he has to be locked in the house for 12 hours while I am at work. I don't know about you, but my maximum is about 1 hour awake and 4 hours while sleeping!!

Do you think I am a complete moron...?

I really don't want an answer to that question from my readers, just from my dear, helpful, loving Mother...

Me: Mom, great news, I found a reputable repair company that was referred by the neighbor's realtor as being their company of choice for storm repairs. I checked them out with the BBB and did some homework on them.

Mom: Sounds fishy, I don't trust them. The vultures are out in force already.

Me: Mom, they are A- rated on BBB without any reported issues for the last 3 years, they will work directly with my insurance company to make sure they agree on the severity of the damage. I have also confirmed that 3 other homeowner's on my block are using them.

Mom: If it sounds too good to be true, it usually is.

Me: Are you trying to say you think I am a moron and have no idea what I am doing?

I never ask that last question because is ends with lots of tears and a dissertation about how I am not sensitive enough to her feelings. At 41 years old, I am a single mother of a child that is STILL alive, relatively successful career person and have been a homeowner for 7+ years, I would like to think that qualifies me to judge that I am NOT a moron.

But hey, what do I know? LOL!!

Auntie Em, Auntie Em, it's a twister...

Well, not really a twister but 70 to 80 mph winds with large hail will make you take cover in the closet like the end of the world has come. Lost most of my fence to the storm last night. One chunk of it decided it needed to go live with the neighbors so it has moved in over there. The patio table shattered into a gazillion pieces and I spent a good hour combing through the grass trying to find all of the glass. I finally gave up.

As far as the damage goes, we got it pretty light at my house. One of the neighbors got a trampoline driven into their roof and the support poles pierced all of the way down to the floor. I thank God that no one was hurt. I'll bet that was a pretty scary event for them. "Dear, we need to go over to the neighbors and see if they will let us play on their trampoline. Never mind, they brought it to us." Sheesh!

Today I am still pretty much in shock. I had a horrible time getting back to sleep and when I did had bad dreams about my house rolling down the street with us still in it. I know what we went through was so minor compared to what others have suffered but I can't help being shaken up. It doesn't help that the wind is still blowing pretty brisky outside my window.

Someday the insurance company will call me back, all of this will get repaired and it will be like it never happened. Until then, I have a pretty visible reminder of what did happen and I don't like it. Not one little bit.

Drama Squared...

Drama, stage one...I picked my daughter up from school yesterday and before we went home I carefully told her that Charlie had gone to a new home. She did really well with the new family to love him concept, but we hit a snag when she discovered she was not going to get a chance to say goodbye. Then the frantic crying commenced. After about 30 seconds, she suddenly smiled really big and with that excited on Christmas morning high pitched voice she asked "Does this mean I can get a white Chihuahua now?".

She was so completely over Charlie that she was already on to the mythical, white Chihuahua. That went better than expected. I did have to tell her no, not right now. The soft no seemed to sit okay with her for the time being. I did get grilled later on why now wasn't a spectacular time for a new dog. I think my carefully worded answers have bought me an extra couple of days before she asks me again.

Drama, stage two...my Mom can rub me the wrong way in mere seconds. I tried to invite her for a meal on Easter Sunday and immediately was sorry I did. Is Rudy coming? Is Lexi going to be there? What am I making for lunch? Will it be a late lunch or an early supper? My first thought is "why the hell do you care about any of this, show up when I tell you and don't worry about the rest". Then I realize that the queen of the Orchestra needs to get on her conductor's hat so she can yet again run the show.

By the end of her e-mail, she has almost talked herself out of coming over because she is certain that Rudy and I will do everything and she will have to sit on the couch doing nothing like a fifth wheel and then it is on to how the rest of her life is in ruin because nobody understands how much she has suffered.

I sit there at my computer wondering how "Hey, was thinking of doing something for Easter Sunday after church. Would you like to join us?" Went to "Mom, you are useless and boring and my goal in life it to make you feel badly about yourself". I guess I speak another language?

The sad part is I am so used to this occurrence that I actually expected it and almost didn't invite her because I knew it would end up being a big deal. I refuse to let her get to me though. If she isn't happy, nobody can fix that for her but her. I learned that one a LONG time ago.

Goodbye Sweet Charlie Boy

Charlie went to his new home last night. The family that adopted him was so appreciative and excited about him joining their family that I really couldn't feel bad as I left him there. They were a family of four with a stay at home Mom, Dad and two boys. Charlie had a new brother named Marley that is a little Maltese. I think that will take some time for him to get used to the constant jumping up and down that Marley does, but he didn't seem phased by it at all.

He stood very still while the youngest boy got down on all fours and hugged him until his eyes were about to pop out. Then stood very still again when the older boy repeated the actions of the younger boy. Mom was saying over and over again how sweet and handsome he is and how she just couldn't believe how lucky they are to have him in their family.

They asked lots of questions about what he likes and what he doesn't like and with so many smiles around the room it was positively glowing in there. I feel in my heart that he has gone to a great home and will probably recieve 10 times more attention and love than he was getting at my house.

Peanut isn't quite sure what's going on but seems to be pretty happy about being the only one there to get the attention. My daughter was with her dad last night so I haven't told her yet. It will go one of two ways. One way will be with much crying about how she didn't get to say goodbye and that she wants him back. The other way will be an immediate request for a white, girl Chihuahua that she can dress up. Damn you Beverly Hills Chihuahua!

She has been asking for a girl dog for at least a year now. I have told no on the basis that two dogs were plenty and that you should never have more pets or children than you have hands. To which she immediately requested a baby sister. YIKES!! It will be interesting to see which route she takes here. I am not sure which one will be worse!

Windy Wednesday...

This posting should really be Windy Weeks but I liked Windy Wednesday better. The wind has literally been blowing for over a week now. It has blown my daughter's play table all over the back yard, my gas grill right off the patio and rearranged my patio furniture to appear as if a drunken brawl has broken out.

Every night when I get home from work, I restore order to my back yard and hope the wind will let up soon. You would think I would just leave the stuff where it is and wait until the wind stops blowing to pick it up, but then you would realize that this is me you are talking about and that is just not possible. Who can sleep with a backyard full of chaos? I know, I know, I have a call into the therapist right now...

Got the dogs posted out on Petfinder and already have a response for my Charlie boy. I had a feeling he would go first. He has the sweetest little face and the most soulful eyes that make you fall for him at first glance. I have an appointment to introduce him to some possible new family members this evening and have my fingers crossed that they'll think he's adorable.

The upside to this visit is they have a girlfriend for him so I am sure he will be a lot happier not having to put up with stinky-old-boy Peanut anymore. Maybe Peanut will stop marking in the house with Charlie gone? I won't hold my breath on that one.

I shed a few tears yesterday once I saw their little mugs posted for adoption. I felt like a traitor that had given up on them, but then some comments from some great friends helped me to come to terms with this whole situation.

Charlie would most likely have been euthanized if someone else had adopted him only to find he was on death's door and would require extensive veterinarian care ($1200+)to restore him to health. He is the most expensive $10 dog I have ever had! He had also never worn a collar, walked on a leash or played with a toy. Now he loves to go for walks and will even sit near a toy if Peanut leaves one out.

Peanut may have gotten the boot from elsewhere as well because of his food aggression issues. Everyone was trying to take that poor boy's food from him - well, that's what he thought anyways. After some very careful sessions of sitting on the kitchen floor with him while he was eating, moving eventually closer to the point that now I can actually pet him while he is eating and come away with 10 fingers and 10 toes when I am done. Even my 5 year old can do this. She was assigned dog feeding duty for the first few weeks he was with us so he would understand not to bite the hands that were feeding him. At this point, he is very calm with just about everyone but still doesn't like anyone getting right in his face. Who can blame him for that. Get in my face and I will bite you myself!!

I guess what I am saying is that maybe it was my job to rehabilitate these boys so that they could go on to other homes and be happy. At least this is what I am telling myself for now so that I can do what needs to be done. When it is done, I am not going to look back and question my choices. Nothing can be solved by trying to re-live the past. Heck, I am pretty sure there is none of my past that I want to re-live.

Sorry, this is going to be a long one, I am on a roll...

I have a friend with a 15 year old daughter that thinks she should get married to her boyfriend right after high school. I used to say to others that I wouldn't change anything from my past because it has shaped me into the person I am today. Today I say, yeah right! I got married right out of high school and the only thing I learned was how to duck. There wasn't a single thing about that relationship that made me a better person.

I do tell my daughter about some of the dumb things I did growing up. Not to dissuade her from doing her own dumb things because that seriously does not work, but to show her that everything we do is a choice. Some of our choices can be good and some of them can be bad, but every day we make choices that affect the outcome of our lives. I have learned that talking to a 5 year old about life decisions has a highly theraputic effect!

Okay, now I am done...Whew!!

Going off the rails on a crazy train...

I cringe as I write this but I finally did it. I posted my fur babies on Petfinder for a new home. I can't do it anymore. I can't come home to a house that has been marked all over with no hope of teaching them otherwise and I can't continue to pay vet bills, grooming bills and food bills on my credit cards. I feel like a Schmuck with a capital S. I am the person my Mother warned me about. Getting in over my head feeling like I can take the weight of the world on my shoulders all by myself. Innocent animals and children alike will be the ones that suffer for my stupidity.

I should feel relieved that I finally got the ball rolling, but I still feel like the meanest person in the world. For anyone who knows me, you know I would do anything to help just about anyone that needs help. Why is it then that I find it so hard to ask for help for myself?

The B-F is turning out not to be as helpful as I had hoped, but I am pretty sure that is my fault because I won't ask him for help and when he does offer his help I have already done whatever it was I needed taken care of.

Why can't I ask for help? What prevents me from reaching out to ANYONE to ask for help? I never judge a person that has asked for my help, why do I feel like my requests will be judged or that it will make me appear to be less in control than I am pretending to be?

Then I think about my home, being a single parent, living out in BFE. Why did I do that? I know I hated my old house and it had to go. That is not in question, but why oh why did I have to move so far away that I have to plan a day trip just to visit friends or go anywhere?

If I had purchased another home closer to my previous home, it would have been much more convenient. Instead I bought the double decker supreme. The big, corner lot. The biggest plan in the mix. Why do I feel like I am responsible for making sure that everyone gets what they want at my expense? How did I think that I was going to be able to single handedly take care of the house, the yard, the kid, the mother, the dogs, the...

Maybe if I had gotten only what we needed for now, I would have had the resources then to put my daughter in the school at my church that she desparately loves. Have I chosen a home over my head and out of my budget therefor jeapordizing my daughter's future? Have I gone crazy? Have I forgotten what is the most important thing in my life?

I look back on my home purchase and realize that I bought my home for what it needed to be for everyone else. Extra room for Mom when she moves in someday. The big game room for my daughter so she would have plenty of room to play. The big yard so that the dogs have plenty of room to be outside. And what do they do? The dogs mark up the house and the daughter drags her stuff downstairs into the living room so she can play where I am.

Today is one of those days that I should have stayed in bed and pulled the covers over my nose. Alas, I cannot hide from the world and I cannot hide from my responsibilities. Things are getting more expensive and the job still pays what it did 4 years ago less my bonus, less my child support. No wonder I don't have any money! I have gotten myself into this mess and now I have to figure out what to do to get myself out of this mess.

Today I pray, Lord help me to accept help from others, help me to remember it is not me against the world alone, help me to remember that I have friends and family here to help me with at the very least a shoulder to cry on. Amen!

Candy Addict...

I have discovered that I am addicted to candy. I gave it up for Lent. Don't ask me why I thought that would be a good idea. I cannot honestly tell you why I picked candy. For anyone that knows me, I L-I-V-E for Jelly Bean season. Why oh why did I give up candy for Lent? Just think about all of the delicious things that come with Easter - Peeps, Cadbury Eggs, Jelly Beans, Chocolate Bunnies and the list goes on and on.

I first realized I had a candy addiction when I was at work on Ash Wednesday. It was about 9:30 and I was pondering the bag of jelly beans that I had in my desk. Wondering why I didn't think to eat the entire bag on Tuesday before I left for the day. Those delicious, colorful, candy coated morsels of gooeyness were taunting me from the drawer. By lunch time I had promoted the bag to the trash. By snack-thirty I was considering removing the bag from the trash and eating them anyway.

The first day was not even the hardest. Every day, at least three or four times a day, I think about how much I miss candy. Is there a support group for candy-holics? CEA maybe? (Candy Eaters Anonymous).

Since leaving the Catholic church many years ago, I have not observed the Lenten season in any way. This year, my Pastor mentioned that this is not just a Catholic event and that we should dig deep to understand the true meaning of this activity. Jesus gave up his life so that we could have never ending life in Heaven with God. I put that thought in my head every time I am tempted to reach into that candy jar. What is a piece of candy compared to my LIFE after all? Then I feel like a complete schmuck and remove my hand from the candy jar. Why did this year sound like the good year to make this committment? I may never know, but I can tell you next year I will be picking something a little less daunting, like breathing maybe...

My five year old is not quite old enough yet to understand the meaning of Lent yet. I told her to pick one of her favorite things and give it up to show how much she appreciates what Jesus did for her. She picked her Bible. How do you tell her that's not exactly what you meant? I did try to explain that she should pick something that could be considered a vice like TV and I think she thought I was completely out of my mind.

So, this year, hide your candy very carefully on Easter morning because I will be eating every piece I can get my hands on. By 7:00 a.m. I will be in a sugar coma!!