Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Super Hero...

My delusional idea that I am a super hero kicked in again yesterday. You see, my yard guy quit and I have been unsuccessful in replacing him. We are nearing week three of no mowing and I just couldn't stand it any longer. I decided that I should mow the yard myself.

Note: The B.F. has offered on more than one occasion to mow for me, but for some reason I just don't want him to do it. (Maybe I really AM crazy...) I may have to post another BLOG once I figure out why I don't want him to mow my yard. It is just a yard after all. He can't do a worse job than my previous derelict service.

I worked straight through all day. Came in early, ate my lunch at my desk then stayed late. As I was leaving work, I noticed the rain clouds on the horizon, so I rushed over to summer school to pick up my daughter. You would have thought I was an hour late. I showed up 15 minutes before the deadline and they practically threw her out the door at me. I managed to slow the car down enough so she could jump in as I sped off. Well, that's what it felt like anyways. Evidently if it is after 5:30 and they are down to less than 10 kids, two teachers group the kids in the hallway and then hopefully match them up with the right parents as they are shoving them out the door. (Wonder if I could get a different kid that whines less? Hmmm...probably not!)

I then raced off to Chick-Fil-A for a nutritional drive through meal selection of chicken nuggets for the daughter and a chicken sandwich for me. Extra pickles please -evidently means don't you D.A.R.E. put a single pickle on my sandwich - oh and please make my day by putting the "special" sticker on my sandwich. I might have confused it with the nuggets otherwise.

We made it home before the rain and quickly inhaled our food. I then donned my super hero cape and prepared the lawn mower for its first use of the year. I filled the gas tank, topped off the oil - yes, I even added oil, then feeling pretty cocky, I attempted to start the mower. Pull...pull...pull...again and again until I was just about ready to give up then Vrooom! the mower started.

I drove the mower up and down the yard. For some reason I am not capable of mowing in a square, from side to side or up and down, but rather I use a combination of things so that my grass is never mowed the same way twice. Why do I do this you ask? No idea. I am just mowing along when a particular section grabs my attention and off I go.

Ten minutes into the ordeal and the neighbors dog runs up to me and starts humping my leg WHILE I am mowing the lawn. Oh what fun! I shut the mower off, directed Romeo back to his house - halfway down the street, then return to my yard to mow for ten more minutes.

This time I was interrupted by my daughter - at least she didn't hump my leg! MOM...MOM...MOMMY...MOMMY STOP MOWING I HAVE TO ASK YOU A QUESTION she yells over the mower sound. I stop the mower, ask her what she needs and the question is "Mommy, have the caterpillars all turned into butterflies already?" UGH! Baby, I love you, but don't you think that question could have waited until I was done? "Um...No...so, where are all of the caterpillars?"

At this point the skies are getting pretty dark and a drop or two of rain have fallen. Instead of putting away the mower and calling it quits, I rev the engine back up and start to trot back and forth across the yard. I have less than half left to mow, but somehow it is - All.Up.Hill. Finally, 30 minutes into the adventure and the mowing is done.

Do I stop there? NO! Absolutely NOT! I adjusted my cape, got out the weed whacker and begin edging all of the walks and drive on my CORNER lot. I love that long sidewalk that goes on forever down the side of my house...

Still, no official rain yet but I am so sweaty that it might as well have been pouring rain on me. At least once every 2-3 minutes I have to stop edging to answer a question, put on a bicycle helmet, fill the tires of the bicycle with air, drag the bicycle down the driveway, drag the bicycle back up the driveway, get out the scooter, adjust the helmet, remove the helmet, put away the scooter, get out the sidewalk chalk, tell my daughter which letters are used in the words she is writing IN the garage so the rain won't wash it away AND praying that she is not accidentally writing bad words on the driveway for all to see...

And she wants to know what is taking me so long.

An hour into this project and my edger runs out of battery. I could have gotten out the spare battery that was already on the charger but I gave up. I took off the cape, hung my head in defeat and drug my daughter into the house. Then begins her barrage of additional questions. "Why do we have to go inside, it isn't raining yet. Can we get an umbrella and take a walk in the rain? Can we go swimming? Can we watch a movie?"

I go inside and it is already 8:00. That gives me 30 minutes to clean the child, clean myself, get jammies on, get clothes picked out for tomorrow, cut up meat for tomorrow's lunch, set up the coffee for tomorrow, read the child a story, brush everyone's teeth, call her Daddy and somehow get a call into the B.F. With the help of "The Cape" I made it in 45 minutes. Not too bad.

You might ask why I didn't put my daughter to bed first then do the rest of the things I needed to do. My answer would be at the first flash of lighting, she was attached to my leg in a super ninja death grip. The only way to remove her is either a crow bar or to lay down with her and not get up. So off to bed and asleep by 9:15 we were.

The weather alarm radio went off at 10:30, 11:45, 12:20, 1:00, 2:06 and 3:18. Each time to tell me of a county that was added or removed from the severe weather warning area. I don't have a siren in my neighborhood so I have to rely on the weather radio to wake me up in the event of a tornado, but for anything else, I don't care. I don't give a rat's patootie that it is windy or raining or lots of lightning. If it isn't going to knock down my house, DON'T wake me up!!

This morning I put the cape back on and got up at 5:20 so I could take my car in for a warranty repair. Yep, super heroes of the world are watching in awe and disbelief at my red eyes with the coordinating black bags located directly underneath. Next!!


  1. How did you manage to get Jenna up that early to go with you this morning? You really ARE Wonder Woman. I'm so glad I don't have a lawn to mow.

  2. Thought you'd enjoy Elisa's blog...she had a post about feeling incompetent b/c everyone looked at her crazy for mowing her lawn. Check her out (and her friend Melynda- Crazy World). Clean giggles, promise.


  3. This post is sooooo awesome! You had me smiling and laughing the whole way through. I want a cape! I mow in random patterns too and now I know why--that's the way all true super heros get yard work done! *giggles*

    I'm so glad Stephanie told me about your blog.

  4. I have hung up my super hero cape as well for the day... all evil villians/minions must leave a message, complete with detailed information regarding their plan for domination of the tri state area, and my superhero assistant will schedlue butt kickings in the order they were recieved.

    PLans for any "-inators" can be emailed...


  5. I have to say I just laughed my butt off at this post. Seriously funny. I think anyone who is a single parent or whoes spouse is away often has felt this pain. I have been in this exact position half my life it seems. Thanks for a great laugh and letting me know I'm not the only one. BTW found you through Steph. She's a great gal.

  6. Welcome to my new followers! Elisa, I will have to check your blog out from home as it has been blocked by Big Brother at work. Not sure why that is as I can see everyone else's. Hmmm...sounds like something for Super-Me to fix!!